The Sudbery Diet
I do like the way you all worry about me in my comments boxes. It's very sweet.
The only problem is my ever-so-strong independence gene. As soon as people start expressing concern or giving advice my instinct is to shout NO, I'M FINE, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP because I am such a very big girl who can manage perfectly well on her own and always knows what she's doing and never needs anyone's assistance, ever.
So in that spirit, I have been having strong urges to prove that I Am Very Clever And Sensible and respond to the commenter who was worried about me dieting.
Because I do know that crash dieting is bad for you and that lowered blood sugar levels can be a major contributory factor to mood swings and depression and, you know, I hate the idea that people might think I don't know stuff...
Ahem. So anyway. I have decided to tell you about the Patented Sudbery Diet, which I've probably told you about before, but what the hell, I'm telling you again. This is how it works:
1. DO NOT COUNT CALORIES, particularly if you have an obsessive nature. You will go mad. Seriously. Stop it.
2. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF, particularly if you have an obsessive nature... (see number one).
3. DO NOT GO HUNGRY. You know when you get those cravings for chocolate and/or crisps? Stop and ask yourself: Did you have breakfast? Did you have lunch? Might you possibly be HUNGRY? Of course you are, ya daft 'a'p'th. Go and eat some toast.
4. Are your clothes getting looser? Yes? Then you are losing weight. Well done. If they're getting tighter, you might have water retention, or bloating, or be pregnant, or you may not be following rule 5 properly...
5. Only four treats a week. This is the hardest part of the diet. Treats are anything you put in your mouth that isn't Sensible Food. You are allowed to have as many snacks as you like, as long as they are things like wholegrain toast (with a smidgeon of marg) or, you know, something sensible. But alcohol (up to three pints) counts as One Treat, as does a packet of crisps or a piece of cake.
6. Eat sensibly. At least three meals a day. Eat when you're hungry. Eat healthy food. Stop worrying about calories or fat or any of that rubbish, just eat proper meals and not junk food.
7. Exercise. Well, duh. My personal rule is I have to do four exercisey things a week, and if I were really mean I'd tie it to the number of treats, but I'm not, so I don't.
So, you know. As Non-Working Monkey might say: Eat less rubbish, do more exercise. It's foolproof. Except that I'm not losing any weight. But that might have something to do with the chocolate supply in the kitchen drawer and my rather-loose interpretation of rule 5...
Seriously though. You don't have to worry about me. I don't believe in faddy diets.
But I do hate my body, and my body hates me. Just an ordinary woman then. [sigh]
___
The only problem is my ever-so-strong independence gene. As soon as people start expressing concern or giving advice my instinct is to shout NO, I'M FINE, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP because I am such a very big girl who can manage perfectly well on her own and always knows what she's doing and never needs anyone's assistance, ever.
So in that spirit, I have been having strong urges to prove that I Am Very Clever And Sensible and respond to the commenter who was worried about me dieting.
Because I do know that crash dieting is bad for you and that lowered blood sugar levels can be a major contributory factor to mood swings and depression and, you know, I hate the idea that people might think I don't know stuff...
Ahem. So anyway. I have decided to tell you about the Patented Sudbery Diet, which I've probably told you about before, but what the hell, I'm telling you again. This is how it works:
1. DO NOT COUNT CALORIES, particularly if you have an obsessive nature. You will go mad. Seriously. Stop it.
2. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF, particularly if you have an obsessive nature... (see number one).
3. DO NOT GO HUNGRY. You know when you get those cravings for chocolate and/or crisps? Stop and ask yourself: Did you have breakfast? Did you have lunch? Might you possibly be HUNGRY? Of course you are, ya daft 'a'p'th. Go and eat some toast.
4. Are your clothes getting looser? Yes? Then you are losing weight. Well done. If they're getting tighter, you might have water retention, or bloating, or be pregnant, or you may not be following rule 5 properly...
5. Only four treats a week. This is the hardest part of the diet. Treats are anything you put in your mouth that isn't Sensible Food. You are allowed to have as many snacks as you like, as long as they are things like wholegrain toast (with a smidgeon of marg) or, you know, something sensible. But alcohol (up to three pints) counts as One Treat, as does a packet of crisps or a piece of cake.
6. Eat sensibly. At least three meals a day. Eat when you're hungry. Eat healthy food. Stop worrying about calories or fat or any of that rubbish, just eat proper meals and not junk food.
7. Exercise. Well, duh. My personal rule is I have to do four exercisey things a week, and if I were really mean I'd tie it to the number of treats, but I'm not, so I don't.
So, you know. As Non-Working Monkey might say: Eat less rubbish, do more exercise. It's foolproof. Except that I'm not losing any weight. But that might have something to do with the chocolate supply in the kitchen drawer and my rather-loose interpretation of rule 5...
Seriously though. You don't have to worry about me. I don't believe in faddy diets.
But I do hate my body, and my body hates me. Just an ordinary woman then. [sigh]
___
Labels: Philosophisering
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home