Big Life Changes
I just had one of those stoned revelations that is stupid-obvious but still a revelation, and it is this:
If you want to be happy, you have to do stuff that makes you happy.
But before I explain, I must wind back a bit, to this afternoon, when that Big Life Change I've been alluding to was suddenly getting me down.
This weekend I was suffering from headaches, intense fatigue, a vague ineffective brain, and tearfulness. I pondered various explanations: Pregnancy, the 'flu, too much weeding. And then I realised: I was just depressed. Next thing I knew, I was collapsing in tears. Again.
Luckily another thing happened today: News of my Big Life Change became official. Which means I can tell you about it. If I want. But I've been wondering what you've been thinking it was. You might have thought a baby, but I've contradicted that. Perhaps you thought my book was being published, but no, not that. I guess you could have decided my relationship had collapsed, but it ain't that. I could have been moving house for some reason, but I'm not. So, maybe you thought it was my job?
Yup, I took voluntary redundancy about five weeks ago. It was very sudden. One minute I was resolving to start focusing on work again, the next my boss called me in and put a generous redundancy package on the table, and four days later I had left work altogether.
And since then I've decided to be a full time freelance writer, and I'm shitting myself. I've been panicking about whether I can really make a go of this, and have battered myself over the head with You Must Earn Money Really Fast exhortations and set myself unrealistic targets and planned within six weeks to have balls in motion to do children's fiction, erotic fiction, journalism, technical writing, short stories, storytelling, editing, creative writing workshops and reviewing... and there's so much admin involved in all these things that there's no time left for the doing of them...
...and on top of everything else that's happened this year, it's both exactly what I need and Really Rather Fucking Daunting, thank you very much, and anyway...
...so that's when I came up with the Stoned Revelation. That I have plenty of money to keep me going for a few months, that I should sack all the admin for now and just do what I desperately want to and fucking can do, for the first time in ages...
...that I should go ahead and write. Because that would make me happy.
And that's what I'm going to do.
___
If you want to be happy, you have to do stuff that makes you happy.
But before I explain, I must wind back a bit, to this afternoon, when that Big Life Change I've been alluding to was suddenly getting me down.
This weekend I was suffering from headaches, intense fatigue, a vague ineffective brain, and tearfulness. I pondered various explanations: Pregnancy, the 'flu, too much weeding. And then I realised: I was just depressed. Next thing I knew, I was collapsing in tears. Again.
Luckily another thing happened today: News of my Big Life Change became official. Which means I can tell you about it. If I want. But I've been wondering what you've been thinking it was. You might have thought a baby, but I've contradicted that. Perhaps you thought my book was being published, but no, not that. I guess you could have decided my relationship had collapsed, but it ain't that. I could have been moving house for some reason, but I'm not. So, maybe you thought it was my job?
Yup, I took voluntary redundancy about five weeks ago. It was very sudden. One minute I was resolving to start focusing on work again, the next my boss called me in and put a generous redundancy package on the table, and four days later I had left work altogether.
And since then I've decided to be a full time freelance writer, and I'm shitting myself. I've been panicking about whether I can really make a go of this, and have battered myself over the head with You Must Earn Money Really Fast exhortations and set myself unrealistic targets and planned within six weeks to have balls in motion to do children's fiction, erotic fiction, journalism, technical writing, short stories, storytelling, editing, creative writing workshops and reviewing... and there's so much admin involved in all these things that there's no time left for the doing of them...
...and on top of everything else that's happened this year, it's both exactly what I need and Really Rather Fucking Daunting, thank you very much, and anyway...
...so that's when I came up with the Stoned Revelation. That I have plenty of money to keep me going for a few months, that I should sack all the admin for now and just do what I desperately want to and fucking can do, for the first time in ages...
...that I should go ahead and write. Because that would make me happy.
And that's what I'm going to do.
___
Labels: Cheese Sandwich, Philosophisering
4 Comments:
"That I have plenty of money to keep me going for a few months, that I should sack all the admin for now and just do what I desperately want to and fucking can do, for the first time in ages..."
Did it last year, as you know. HIGHLY recommended. Opportunities are few and far between, so grab it while you can.
I read something recently that I really liked: "Jump, and the net will appear." I was too scared to do that for years, but it's true.
My gran has a quote from Goethe taped to her wall, about how as soon as you try and make something happen, things just fall into place as a result of your willpower. Or something.
Anyway, yes, I did think of you Hg. Thanks for the message of support. I'm still terrified, but am trying very hard to enjoy it all.
Ah yes, I have Goethe's alleged quote in my notebook: "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid."
I think it may well be true. Best of luck to you!
J
Thank you!
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