Potted Autobiography
A self-tagged meme, cos I liked the look of it (via).
1
Glasgow. A walking talking doll for my 5-yr-old sister and her friends.
2
York. My first memory: The knowledge that if I stood up in my cot and cried, a friendly smile would appear around the door.
3
A vinyl recording, from a machine on a train platform. I'm singing Twinkle Twinkle.
4
My new teddy is called Sarah, because "Boys are rubbish, put them in the dustbin" as my new friend Mandy and I chant in the school playground.
5
Fall in love with Richard Abbey. Play Mary in the school nativity.
6
Drought. "...my aunt was paddling and she suddenly called come and see the jellyfish so we all came and crowded round and looked, Miffa cried and my sister Lucy screamed, me and Bolly laughed. ...we came back and I went round to see iff the jelly fish was still there and ther dead and looking awfull." (from "My Summer Holidays 1976")
7
Silver jubilee. Street party. Bedstead race in the school field. Ours is dressed as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Its wheels fall off halfway round the course. Receive spacehopper for Xmas. Best. Toy. Ever.
8
Organise spacehopper races for all the kids in the street. Win every time. Getting better at gymnastics. Gain BAGA award, grade 2, but will never be as good as Rachel Mizon, who is sweet, funny, kind, generous, pretty... *swoon*
9
I get a new bike. A Raleigh Shopper. Mum pulls me aside and tells me she and Dad are splitting up. He's moving out with Lucy, I'm staying behind with Mum. I don't want to. She'll cry and make me play with her hair.
10
Mum & Dad haven't split up. School trip to France. Spend whole time gazing at Duncan Campbell, a witty boy with nice shoulders.
11
New school. Big school. Mandy gets teased about her deformed hand and can't cope. I turn my back on her. I get pneumonia and nearly die.
12
Fall in love again, but he tells my friend Suraya to tell me to leave him alone. Carve "Robin Gray is a sneaky two-faced coward" into all the desk-tops. Get shouted at by four separate teachers, who are all "shocked and disappointed". Am amazed to find that I made him cry.
13
Join Youth CND. Go on lots of demos. Fall in love with Mike Auty, a shy young punk.
14
First kiss, under willow tree on river bank. Dylan. His lips are like rubber gloves. Second kiss, at horrible party. Rob. His tongue is like a broom handle. Third kiss, the village hall. Ross. He sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Fourth kiss, the school corridor. Emmet. His lips are like a wet mop. He is my first boyfriend, who has sadly failed to notice me until after I've given up on him. He gives me a red rose, gold heart earrings and a red velvet tin with a dragon on top. I dump him. I feel guilty.
15
Starring role in Youth Theatre Yorkshire's annual production. Backstage smells of excitement. New boyfriend asks me to touch his willy in my grandmother's spare bedroom. Finally understand why everybody laughs at the arrow-shaped levers in Rocky Horror.
16
Meet The One at a jazz gig in York Arts Centre. He has a beard. He is 21. He is a real man. We talk about music, philosophy, revolution. We fall in love. He takes me to Sheffield Leadmill and I spend the night in his flat. We fail to have sex. He dumps me. I move on, and finally manage to have sex with someone else. Underwhelmed. Decide to become a lesbian instead. Have first hallucinogenic experience. Join the SWP.
17
Get chased by horses at Wapping, pop lesbian cherry with glamorous New-Yorker, come out to parents. Stress. Mock A levels. Glandular fever.
18
Leave school, leave home, move to Manchester. Get first proper job, in vegetarian women-only workers' co-operative restaurant. Campaign against Clause 28. Get first proper girlfriend. Close friend dies of cancer.
She was called Lesley. She was only 23.
19
Start university, after gap year of living "real life." Get run over by a bus. Move into flat. Adopt stray cat. Fall in love with Alma, Kate, and others. Have first threesome. Fail first year exams.
20
Pass resits. Just. Spend majority of time in gay clubs and political meetings. Don't like students. Avoid them as much as possible. Start shagging men again.
21
Rediscover drugs, having "just said No" since bad trip on mushrooms aged 16. Take first E. Go to first rave. Campaign against poll tax. Fall in love with Andy, who looks beautiful when he sits, naked except for denim dungarees, on my purple velvet stool. Sit in front of telly holding his hand and crying, as bombs fly like fireworks across the Iraq sky. Operation on leg is cancelled due to outbreak of war.
22
Graduate from Uni. Get job in Register Office. Get sacked. Get depressed. Take drugs. Dance. Feel disillusioned with circle of E friends.
23
Andy goes off with queen of E friends. They don't want to know me. I am bitter. Friend Sean tricks me into new job, running playscheme on run-down council estate. Get new lease of life. Get job in Housing Office. Take drugs, go dancing, make new friends, have several one-night stands and fleeting relationships. Fall in love with Guy, who makes love to me with his coat on and then goes home. Play hunchback in the House of Bernarda Alba by Lorca (local amdram - never again).
24
More sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Megadog, Herbal Tea Party, One Tree Island*, Criminal Justice Bill. Still a housing officer.
*Hippy-crusty-hedonistic club nights in Manchester. You probably had to be there. Sorry.
25
Meet Ally. Get introduced to his parents. His father and I don't hit it off. I have a shaved head. Ally moves in. I quit my job, go back to college and study computing. Various disputes with the landlady rumbling on in the background.
26
I get a job as a software engineer. Wow, it's better paid than being a housing officer. Ally quits his job to be a journalist. The landlady puts the house on the market. The woman in the downstairs flat moves out. We try and buy the house. The landlady won't sell it to us. Several prolonged battles, and then we buy it for £8k (really). The builders move in. We move out.
27
The builders are still there. We move back in. We have no kitchen. They never turn up. They finally finish and I get obsessed with paint and DIY. I have nervous breakdown.
28
Still suffering from debilitating anxiety attacks. Give up caffeine, learn relaxation exercises, eat loads of fruit. Make a garden. Dig a lot. Ally starts working for Big Issue. I begin singing at open mike spots. Ally and I start a band. We play our friend's wedding and some obscure music festival in Nottingham.
29
I go to trapeze lessons. Wheee, it's fun. Ally and I become regulars of the performance poetry circuit. We win a disco glitter ball with our joint act. We get a puppy. She fits through the cat flap.
30
I start writing a novel. I get a new job. I don't like it. I get another job. I sing jazz, write songs.
31
I have mini mid-life crisis and hurt those closest to me with some ill-advised behaviour.
32
I pull myself together again, but leave a trail of tears. I plan to get pregnant. It works. It makes me very ill. I lose two stone. I am put on a drip. I stop writing my novel. Our cat dies. Our son is born. Everything else fades away, and I am happy.
33
I go back to work. I start writing again. I send out sample chapters. I get 31 rejection letters. I am demotivated. I become addicted to Scrabble. I decide to finish the bloody thing anyway, so I can hide it in a dark drawer and forget about it.
34
The novel is written. Good riddance. The same weekend, I receive a phone call. They want to publish it. I am very very very excited. I get an agent. I do a rewrite. I am published. Ally and I do a collaborative multimedia performance for the book launch. Ally is made redundant.
35
Ally and I perform at the Big Chill festival. I travel the country doing book promo stuff. I start work on another novel. Ally is commissioned to write a book. I start blogging.
36
Ally's book is published. He gets a new job. I'm still banging away at Novel II. The blogging is an addiction. We talk about Baby II. We have the loft converted.
17 years ago, I moved into a one-bedroom flat. I now live in a five-bedroom house. I haven't changed my address.
Before I turn 37 Felix will start school, I'll turn my daily life on its head to spend more time with him, I'll finish the first draft of Novel II, and I'll start trying for another sprog. 37's going to be a doozie.
1
Glasgow. A walking talking doll for my 5-yr-old sister and her friends.
2
York. My first memory: The knowledge that if I stood up in my cot and cried, a friendly smile would appear around the door.
3
A vinyl recording, from a machine on a train platform. I'm singing Twinkle Twinkle.
4
My new teddy is called Sarah, because "Boys are rubbish, put them in the dustbin" as my new friend Mandy and I chant in the school playground.
5
Fall in love with Richard Abbey. Play Mary in the school nativity.
6
Drought. "...my aunt was paddling and she suddenly called come and see the jellyfish so we all came and crowded round and looked, Miffa cried and my sister Lucy screamed, me and Bolly laughed. ...we came back and I went round to see iff the jelly fish was still there and ther dead and looking awfull." (from "My Summer Holidays 1976")
7
Silver jubilee. Street party. Bedstead race in the school field. Ours is dressed as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Its wheels fall off halfway round the course. Receive spacehopper for Xmas. Best. Toy. Ever.
8
Organise spacehopper races for all the kids in the street. Win every time. Getting better at gymnastics. Gain BAGA award, grade 2, but will never be as good as Rachel Mizon, who is sweet, funny, kind, generous, pretty... *swoon*
9
I get a new bike. A Raleigh Shopper. Mum pulls me aside and tells me she and Dad are splitting up. He's moving out with Lucy, I'm staying behind with Mum. I don't want to. She'll cry and make me play with her hair.
10
Mum & Dad haven't split up. School trip to France. Spend whole time gazing at Duncan Campbell, a witty boy with nice shoulders.
11
New school. Big school. Mandy gets teased about her deformed hand and can't cope. I turn my back on her. I get pneumonia and nearly die.
12
Fall in love again, but he tells my friend Suraya to tell me to leave him alone. Carve "Robin Gray is a sneaky two-faced coward" into all the desk-tops. Get shouted at by four separate teachers, who are all "shocked and disappointed". Am amazed to find that I made him cry.
13
Join Youth CND. Go on lots of demos. Fall in love with Mike Auty, a shy young punk.
14
First kiss, under willow tree on river bank. Dylan. His lips are like rubber gloves. Second kiss, at horrible party. Rob. His tongue is like a broom handle. Third kiss, the village hall. Ross. He sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Fourth kiss, the school corridor. Emmet. His lips are like a wet mop. He is my first boyfriend, who has sadly failed to notice me until after I've given up on him. He gives me a red rose, gold heart earrings and a red velvet tin with a dragon on top. I dump him. I feel guilty.
15
Starring role in Youth Theatre Yorkshire's annual production. Backstage smells of excitement. New boyfriend asks me to touch his willy in my grandmother's spare bedroom. Finally understand why everybody laughs at the arrow-shaped levers in Rocky Horror.
16
Meet The One at a jazz gig in York Arts Centre. He has a beard. He is 21. He is a real man. We talk about music, philosophy, revolution. We fall in love. He takes me to Sheffield Leadmill and I spend the night in his flat. We fail to have sex. He dumps me. I move on, and finally manage to have sex with someone else. Underwhelmed. Decide to become a lesbian instead. Have first hallucinogenic experience. Join the SWP.
17
Get chased by horses at Wapping, pop lesbian cherry with glamorous New-Yorker, come out to parents. Stress. Mock A levels. Glandular fever.
18
Leave school, leave home, move to Manchester. Get first proper job, in vegetarian women-only workers' co-operative restaurant. Campaign against Clause 28. Get first proper girlfriend. Close friend dies of cancer.
She was called Lesley. She was only 23.
19
Start university, after gap year of living "real life." Get run over by a bus. Move into flat. Adopt stray cat. Fall in love with Alma, Kate, and others. Have first threesome. Fail first year exams.
20
Pass resits. Just. Spend majority of time in gay clubs and political meetings. Don't like students. Avoid them as much as possible. Start shagging men again.
21
Rediscover drugs, having "just said No" since bad trip on mushrooms aged 16. Take first E. Go to first rave. Campaign against poll tax. Fall in love with Andy, who looks beautiful when he sits, naked except for denim dungarees, on my purple velvet stool. Sit in front of telly holding his hand and crying, as bombs fly like fireworks across the Iraq sky. Operation on leg is cancelled due to outbreak of war.
22
Graduate from Uni. Get job in Register Office. Get sacked. Get depressed. Take drugs. Dance. Feel disillusioned with circle of E friends.
23
Andy goes off with queen of E friends. They don't want to know me. I am bitter. Friend Sean tricks me into new job, running playscheme on run-down council estate. Get new lease of life. Get job in Housing Office. Take drugs, go dancing, make new friends, have several one-night stands and fleeting relationships. Fall in love with Guy, who makes love to me with his coat on and then goes home. Play hunchback in the House of Bernarda Alba by Lorca (local amdram - never again).
24
More sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Megadog, Herbal Tea Party, One Tree Island*, Criminal Justice Bill. Still a housing officer.
*Hippy-crusty-hedonistic club nights in Manchester. You probably had to be there. Sorry.
25
Meet Ally. Get introduced to his parents. His father and I don't hit it off. I have a shaved head. Ally moves in. I quit my job, go back to college and study computing. Various disputes with the landlady rumbling on in the background.
26
I get a job as a software engineer. Wow, it's better paid than being a housing officer. Ally quits his job to be a journalist. The landlady puts the house on the market. The woman in the downstairs flat moves out. We try and buy the house. The landlady won't sell it to us. Several prolonged battles, and then we buy it for £8k (really). The builders move in. We move out.
27
The builders are still there. We move back in. We have no kitchen. They never turn up. They finally finish and I get obsessed with paint and DIY. I have nervous breakdown.
28
Still suffering from debilitating anxiety attacks. Give up caffeine, learn relaxation exercises, eat loads of fruit. Make a garden. Dig a lot. Ally starts working for Big Issue. I begin singing at open mike spots. Ally and I start a band. We play our friend's wedding and some obscure music festival in Nottingham.
29
I go to trapeze lessons. Wheee, it's fun. Ally and I become regulars of the performance poetry circuit. We win a disco glitter ball with our joint act. We get a puppy. She fits through the cat flap.
30
I start writing a novel. I get a new job. I don't like it. I get another job. I sing jazz, write songs.
31
I have mini mid-life crisis and hurt those closest to me with some ill-advised behaviour.
32
I pull myself together again, but leave a trail of tears. I plan to get pregnant. It works. It makes me very ill. I lose two stone. I am put on a drip. I stop writing my novel. Our cat dies. Our son is born. Everything else fades away, and I am happy.
33
I go back to work. I start writing again. I send out sample chapters. I get 31 rejection letters. I am demotivated. I become addicted to Scrabble. I decide to finish the bloody thing anyway, so I can hide it in a dark drawer and forget about it.
34
The novel is written. Good riddance. The same weekend, I receive a phone call. They want to publish it. I am very very very excited. I get an agent. I do a rewrite. I am published. Ally and I do a collaborative multimedia performance for the book launch. Ally is made redundant.
35
Ally and I perform at the Big Chill festival. I travel the country doing book promo stuff. I start work on another novel. Ally is commissioned to write a book. I start blogging.
36
Ally's book is published. He gets a new job. I'm still banging away at Novel II. The blogging is an addiction. We talk about Baby II. We have the loft converted.
17 years ago, I moved into a one-bedroom flat. I now live in a five-bedroom house. I haven't changed my address.
Before I turn 37 Felix will start school, I'll turn my daily life on its head to spend more time with him, I'll finish the first draft of Novel II, and I'll start trying for another sprog. 37's going to be a doozie.
9 Comments:
Wow. Some life, kid. And I knew quite a lot of it already!
Tsk! What about the "age = word count" rule? You're cheating!
(But still fascinating, though. That's the main thing.)
Oh. I didn't know about the age = word count rule. I confess I didn't actually follow your link to the original meme. I just read your effort and guessed at the rules.
But there's no way you only had one word in your entry for 1! Or was it that each sentence had to contain the requisite amount of words? You shold have reprinted the rules. You don't really expect people to follow links, do you? ;o)
Well, it all depends on whether you count WAAAAAAH as a word. I rather think you should!
Very impressed that you've had a second Go...
Fascinating AND funny.
Just brilliant - in both cases. Love reading these and wish I had the courage to do likewise... sigh...
Good potted life history. Did your parents almost break up have a big effect on you, do you think?
It's impossible for me to say if or how much it affected me. I can be a bit insecure at times, but life has plenty of stuff to throw at you which might encourage that.
I guess it's somewhere in the mix.
But in reality it turned out it was just my mum being slightly hysterical. When I asked my dad about it later that day, he acted with utter bemusement. It was never mentioned again. I was very really relieved, if a bit confused.
Don't worry though, this was an isolated incident. My mother wasn't in the habit of such child-scaring histrionics.
All i can definitely say is that it wasn't an insignificant event. Obviously, or I wouldn't have included it here all these years later.
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